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Crazy Days

2006-12-21T13:20:40Z

I am kind of dreading today. It's one of those crazy days where you will barely have time to pee, let alone eat. Agenda: Teach school, meeting, teach all-state strings, haircut, chaperone the Unity Show, pack for FL, wrap presents... head spinning. I'm usually happier when I stay busy, but today I just want to curl up in my comfy, red bed with a cup of coffee and watch Christmas movies. And eat cookies... crumbs flying ruthlessly. Okay, need to remember I'm an adult today. Couldn't I be hyponized (like that guy from Office Space suggested) to think I'm actually at the beach today? Oh well. Hello daily grind. If my seniors are already taking a Final Exam on "A Streetcar Named Desire" I can certainly stay awake and supervise:) Bring it on.

Ghetto Rich

2006-12-19T00:17:43Z

I keep waiting for the day when I actually decide to enter the adult world and balance my checkbook and keep overdraft protection and stop paying a goddamn fortune in negative charges to the Nazi, Facist bank I patron. Despite living in a two income home, I STILL manage to live beyond my means and never can quite save a dime. It's utterly frusterating. I am NOT, by nature, a typical chick when it comes to shopping etc. I despise trying on clothes. I could care less about jewelry or purses. I do, however, keep Miller Brewing Co. in business and perhaps Dunkin Donuts. But where the Hell does the rest of it go?! I can't possibly be drinking away my paychecks... can I? On a positive note, my wonderful father sent me a Christmas card today with a sizeable check. I actually sang Christmas carols along with the radio as I sped to the bank... Account balance is now in the positive:) Egg Nog for All! Okay, New Years Resolution: Stop Blowing All My Money... Hmmmm... Just remembered I hardly used that damn treadmill from last year's resolution frenzy... ahhh... Fuck it: Drink up and spend it all. There's always next year.

Ode to Peapod

2006-12-10T17:06:30Z

I feel like I'm a member of a secret club: PEAPOD. Peapod is an online grocery delivery service used by the elderly and lazy twenty-six year olds. I hate going to the grocery store. The one in my neighborhood is dirty, poorly staffed, and even more poorly stocked. It smells like Portuguese cooking and death. It forces me to buy twinkies and kitkat bars just to make it through to the deli. Peapod is much safer. Much love. xoxoxo

Suicide and other things that get you into Hell...

2006-12-10T16:49:27Z

I had a somewhat strange day. I wouldn't rate it higher or lower than yesterday....just odd. First, Adam and I bailed out of a family evening with his parents and sister at TGIF. Instead, we got into a screaming match about divorce and dividing assets that was extremely productive. My poor driving was also reexamined. Yeah, like that was relevant.

Second, my friend Teressa called me with that distinctive raspy voice of one who has been crying.

"My sister tried to kill herself."

I was earnestly sympathetic. I'd said those words myself.

"Shit. I'm so sorry, T. When did this all happen?"

"Earlier today. She took a whole bottle of Paxil mixed with Asprin then tried to strangle herself with the telephone cord."

Telephone cord? Is that even possible? I don't comment. Her sister has about the mental I.Q. of a third grader.... possibly less.

Fastforward....Later, I decided to go to my friend Lee's party. I brought T to cheer her up. That certainly didn't work, by the way. It was sorta random. A lot of girls from Cumberland I didn't know. All had kids. (When the fuck did everyone have kids?) None were married. I'm not judging. They could've been me...

I won't bother filling in the rest of the night. I remember it... but it wasn't that interesting. I'm going to bullshit around and then do some lesson planning. And Christmas shopping. Damn, I'm ambitious.

CARS and Good Samaritans

2006-12-09T20:25:45Z

I always knew I was a terrible driver, but I really out-did myself last night. And this was before I started drinking. Heavily. I was coming home from a work party around 8ish trying to read directions, smoke a cigarette, watch for signs.... and drive, the afterthought. Needless to say, trouble was eminent. I pulled off the main drag to try to turn around after missing my street. It was in this kinda dark, abandoned lot and I couldn't really see where the curb was and where the exits were. Eyes totally on my directions, I pulled out of the parking lot. My two front tires dropped off the steepest fucking curb ever made from cement so my car was actually hanging inverted. Reverse...nope. Forward...nope... spinning wheels, smoke, cursing..... oh yeah. By the way, this was about the time I remember that I wasn't actually driving my car. FUCK! or more appropriately - I'm FUCKED! I got out of Adam's brand new Passat (he insisted I take it earlier after I complained of having no gas) and stared forlornly as the under-carriage of the car rested heavily against the cement. Stationary.

I lit a cigarette and kind of debated how to handle this latest fuck up. It was fucking freezing and I was in a cocktail dress. It's weird how your brain kind of dies on you at 20 below. I called Adam. He couldn't stop screaming "You fucking idiot." Click. My own subsequent obscenities must have been loud enough (or perhaps a woman in a mini dress is kind of an attention getter) because three trucks pulled up behind me. My brawny, New England angels...all men, all bearded, all eager to help a woman in distress. Sorry Feminists - I played the "card."

My impromptu rescue team became a whirl of chains, hydraulic pumps, and sheer will. "Put it in neutral, we'll pull you back off that." I obeyed.... please GOD let this work or I am so fucked, I think was the prayer I uttered.

It's a Christmas miracle! Adam's precious baby was restored to all four wheels touching the pavements and I could exhale. I thanked the guys like a maniac, and hugged and kissed each of them. "Merry Christmas 's" were exchanged. All of them left smiling. Do guys like these disasters?

One guy didn't. I kind of feel like a dog getting scolded whenever Adam gets pissed at me. "Chunks are fucking missing from underneath my fucking car... What the fuck, morgan?!" I think those were nicest words he had for me that evening. Don't fuck with a man's automobile.

I won't even bother recapping the rest of the night. To be honest, I don't think I had fun. I know Adam left the second bar we went to early. Like usual. And I know a guy named Mark drove me home about four bars later..5am. Mark says we met before at a party I had but he was rolling and kept sticking his hand in my fish tank. I do have a fish tank. That wasn't a euphemism or whatever... well, here's what else I can report on last night: I know I ate a fuck load of pancakes around 5:30. I know watched some Tivo'd southpark. I know Adam isn't speaking to me so far today.

What's my age again? I'm gonna go for a drive to remember... In my goddamn car.

Wanna see a picture of my cock?

2006-12-08T00:56:41Z

"Wanna see a picture of my cock?" These were the first human words I heard today after the less-than-witty banter on the 94.5 morning show.

Let me preface this exchange with a time and place: 7:30 am, a high school somewhere in New England.

I don't look up from my newspaper. I knew which student it was. Remind me why he's one of the little bastards I'm taking to London in a few months?!

"James, there better no be anything in front of my face you don't want to lose."

I glance up to see an open dictionary with a picture of a monkey humping a tree. The Macaques monkey. Clever for 7:30.

This conversation kind of set the precedent for today. Smart ass kids with even smarter mouths. Damn - sometimes an old lady like me can't keep up anymore. Must remember to work on snappy comebacks... maintain the upper hand...

I had to work with the All-State strings kids after school. Elementary age kids. Sometimes the little ones are so cute I almost want to rent one for the holidays. Just to get me in the mood...

Video Games

2006-12-07T02:27:04Z

Am I alone in my complete and utter hatred for Video Games? I literally cringe as soon as the music for final fantasy cues up. Maybe it's a guy thing. Or an avoidence thing. Forget time as a couple... we can save our death rattle of a relationship after level 5. Cool.

Fears

2006-12-07T00:55:37Z

I spent the last few hours remembering how miserable I am at creating thought provoking questions... at least lately. I found this "inspiring" Nelson Mendella speech I wanted my students to read (and most likely disregard)that appeared in the Coach Carter movie entitled "Our Greatest Fear." If you haven't read it, it's all about not being afraid to be a kick-ass, amazing person just because most people are content with mediocrity. (I'm still not sure if this is advice I can honestly say I follow). Regardless, I made up the following questions and I'm poising them to myself first. Guinea Pig. Here's the speech first, by the way, if you're not into predictable movies staring Samuel L. Jackson (still loved you in Pulp by the way):

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

1.What is your deepest fear? Of never figuring out what I want...who I am...what I'm supposed to do with my life... (can I keep going????)

2. What do you feel is your light? Kindness towards others. I try not to be judgmental. More importantly, I can tear it up on the violin or on the dance floor:)

3. Have you ever "played small?" I'm somewhat subconsciously committed to playing a woman much less intelligent and much more "light-hearted" than I actually am. I used to like being underestimated. It reminded me of that line in The Devil's Advocate: Stay in the trenches...don't ever let em' see you coming. But the dumb blond assumption is waning thin. Yes gentlemen, I get your jokes. And they aren't that clever.

Enough school work - I'm on my time now, for fucks sake. I'm planning on a rich evening of sugar free gum and America's Next Top Model. Maybe even a little Real World to ice the intellectual cake. Cake. Okay,yes, and maybe some ice-cream. No need to better myself on an ordinary wednesday, right?